Sorry, I realize that’s a rather, er, aggressive title. But, look, things are happening. Weird and annoying things. Things that are, obviously, minor perturbances in the grand scheme of space and time and pandemic, blah blah blah. But I reserve the right to whine about them nevertheless. Because the way I look at it, if we stop whining about minor, normal life things completely, the coronavirus has won, right? Right. Let’s begin.
- Night sweats. These started a few years ago and have ratcheted up considerably over the past several years. Of late, they’ve been dreadful. Out of nowhere, I’ll have several nights in a row where I’ll wake up in the middle of the night, drenched and smelling like a sock, hot and cold at the same time, and have to fumble in the dark to my dresser for a new PJ top, or new PJ top and bottoms, depending on the severity of the drenching. I go back to sleep, eventually (this is something that’s also become more difficult; falling back asleep if I wake up in the night to pee or remove sweat-soaked garments) and when I wake up in the morning, I’m soaked again. And, usually, whatever I’m wearing is on backwards and inside out.
- What is happening with my hair? WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH MY HAIR? I’m not talking about grays; I’ve been lucky on that front, with only a few fine grays at the temples, and this one weird, wiry white hair that occasionally springs from the crown of my head, which I promptly yank out.
I mean, like, the volume of my hair. In the shower the other day, while I was rinsing out the shampoo, I pulled out a whole freaking handful of the stuff. It actually became sort of fascinating; every time I raked my fingers through my hair, I harvested a fresh crop of long strands. The last time this happened was after I stopped nursing E & C when they were babies, so there’s definitely something hormonal at play. I’m not worried about looking bald or anything; I have hair to spare. But…unsettling nevertheless. - But wait, there’s more. More hair, that is. More hair in my nose. (Ew.) More random eyebrow hairs breaking away from the crowd and popping up beyond the edges of my brows, like they’re trying to beat a path to the hair on my head. (Perhaps to compensate for the hair that’s falling out there?) More fine fuzzy hairs on my chin. Which is not that big a deal, but I fear what it portends: Are whiskery chin hairs next? AM I GOING TO GET CHIN WHISKERS?
- My neck. Oh, my neck! It’s happening. My neck is starting to look old. My daughter was kind enough to point this out to me. (Isn’t it lovely? The candor of youth?) The skin is getting that plucked poultry look, and there are teeny little folds at the base of my neck, and the hollow right over the collarbone is deepening. Meanwhile, the skin over my er, decolletage is turning crepe-y and…weird. (Is this why Diane Keaton wears those turtlenecks all the time? Should I start wearing turtlenecks?) Best of all: I get to stare at this whole cornucopia of subtle signs of impending decrepitude on Zoom and Google Meet calls CONSTANTLY. Yay!
- Jowls. They’re coming. They’re not quite visibly there yet, but they’re coming. Dear God, they’re coming. I can sense them there, along my jawline, plotting, planning, biding their time. Again, thank you, video calls, for keeping this top of mind.
- Moodswings. Am I having moodswings? I don’t know, actually. I think this is somewhat hard to gauge in the midst of a global pandemic, when one day I feel like everything is OK and we’re gonna be fine and isn’t this bonus family time nice? and look at that gorgeous fall foliage how blessed I am to be alive, and the next day I’m weepy and all I can think about is everything everyone has or is going to lose, and then I’m on-the-verge-of-violence furious at something—people having giant Thanksgiving dinners, people with their noses sticking out over their masks, the president golfing and not doing shit, my kids being glued to their screens—or I’m just freaking bored beyond belief.
Yeah, I don’t think this is related to hormones.
So, this is the part of the post where I’m supposed to say that none of this matters and is trivial and silly and ageing is a privilege not afforded to all. Or I’m supposed to acknowledge, for the sake of readers who are older than me, that really, I am still quite young and unwrinkled, and I look a little young for my age, and anyway, I ain’t seen nothing yet. Or I’m supposed to talk about how contented and confident and centered I feel in general, as this fortysomething version of myself. Which I do. So, yes, yes, yes to all of it. OK? Happy?
Now: can anyone recommend a good Retinol cream or serum or something for this neck situation? Because it’s seriously bumming me out.
More than 20 years in and it only gets worse. The January night in my mid fifties when I woke up at 3:00 am in the thrall of a hot flash has gone down in family lore. Nebraska in January is COLD! As in -10• cold! And I was standing on a sheet of ice and snow on the back porch in bare feet fanning myself with my damp nightgown. Chin and eyebrow “goat” hairs are still sending me on plucking expeditions. Embrace the new you! Get some Gold Bond Neck and Chest cream.
Two great reads on this topic are very old – but not dated, (which, now that I’ve written that, I realize is what women aim for as they age.) Try to find a copy of Getting Over Getting Older by Letty Cottin Pogrebin and I Hate My Neck by Nora Ephron. Both funny and filled with tender wisdom. (You’re the best! Loved the post!)
I started reading your blog years ago, as our daughters went through leukemia treatment almost simultaneously. We sailed in the same crappy little boat, my dear! I continue to follow you for the wit and laughter you provide and the pure spotlight of reality you shine upon life! I also think we must be near the same age, because this post hits home with my name on it. Thanks for helping me (and, I am sure so many others) feel not so alone. Xo-M
Ahhhh candor. I love it. I am “almost” all these things as well… (bad night sweats have yet to come). I said all of this to my husband while looking in the mirror last night and knew that 20 years from now I’d wish I looked like I do today. Trying to embrace as well but, wow, the reality of our years on earth certainly are made visible on our bodies in a way that was never the case before. Thanks for sharing, thanks for griping and thanks for making me laugh. Honestly, what is going on with this hair?!!
You’re still looking great. Too early to whine!
You do not have jowls. And you look fantastic.
But I have had chin whiskers (just one or two at a time) for at least 20 years. And judging from both my mom and grandma, they’re genetic. 🙂
Post-pandemic, we can sweat it out together somewhere.
Breaking away from the crowd has to be one of the best lives!!!😂😂 There are so many good lines and I can relate to all of it. Thank you for making us all laugh in this crazy time.
I haven’t had any night sweats, but I’ve had crippling periods that last three months at a time. That’s fun. Chin whiskers suck. (I have tweezers in so many pockets I’ve lost count.) I wasn’t actually that worried about aging until my back got weird. When your back gets weird, you hit instant oldness.
(You look amazing, by the way.)
Jane! OMG, this is the best! For the record, when I saw you over zoom recently, I was thinking how young you look. Grumbling to mySELF about all your hair! So it doesn’t show, but I hear ya sister. My hair has been freaking me out for years. Like you, I can afford to lose some, but who wants to lose any?? Plus it’s just different now, not as shiny or soft. Gah! I haven’t had night sweats yet, but every month I get hugely moody and sentimental. I cry at car commercials. Ridic. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. We need more role models for this stuff.
The neck…the damn neck….I FEEL YOU…and blah blah blah- I am so lucky and grateful…no thanks. I don’t like it. I just don’t. So there. Thank you for putting it out there!
Omg thank you Jane! This is a conversation I want to have more of and omg, my f’ing neck. I have taken to cowls and turtle necks! Grrr. Oh and my cycle is insane, you didn’t mention that part, but God! Thank you for this!
Yup, shaving my chin in the shower is a definite thing now, oh well 🤷♀️
Cold flashes. Yep – no one talks about those, but after I got my second one I googled it. It’s a thing. I can be in two layers of clothes, my bathrobe, winter coat, and wrapped in a winter blanket in my 70 degree living room, and be shivering. Who knew?
The chin, the hair, the jowls – the saving grace for me is that I really don’t care anymore. I’ve gained enough wisdom to not judge myself by my appearance (which is good as I wrap myself up in my Chewbacca bathrobe since it’s the warmest thing I own and gets me through cold flashes while out walking the dog…in public). I can embrace the fact that the hair in my head wants to move to my chin and think I’m like all those character actors who get jobs because of their talent not looks.
And the trick to Zoom is buy a computer stand that allows you to angle the camera down on you, and sit near a window with natural light. Removes extra chins and makes the closeup if your pores all day long a tad more bearable.
I get all of this. Have you had your thyroid checked. Many symptoms are duplicate to peri menopause and menopause.
The observed physical changes are softened by my eyes losing some acuity with hyperopia. This to me is natures kind way to manage it all, as The blurred image isn’t as harsh.