Lots of people have offered us their prayers for Clio and for our family. And I’ve invited people to give them to us, too. Which is a little odd when I stop and think about it, given that while I respect and appreciate the fact that other people like to pray, I’m not really a pray-er myself.
Or maybe I am. I certainly engage in prayer-like activities sometimes. I will silently ask for strength or courage or patience or peace, either for myself or for others. Last weekend when we found out Clio was sick, I did a whole lot of desperate, tearful praying that she’d be OK, and that we wouldn’t lose her.
But I’m not entirely sure who I’m addressing in these prayers. I don’t believe in “God” in the classic, personified sense so much as I believe in a sort of force / energy that connects us all, and is maybe somehow responsible for the incredible and beautiful creation that is our world (dude).
I definitely don’t believe that God, in any form, grants wishes. But I do believe that people’s thoughts / prayers / vibes / whatever can have a positive effect on how we handle adversity and experience joy.
I mean, I think I do. I’m not sure.
I’m such a textbook Unitarian Universalist. Here’s one of my favorite UU jokes: Q. How do you drive a Unitarian Universalist out of town? A. Burn a question mark on their front lawn.
Git it?
Anyway. Last week Clio had to go under general anesthesia for a lumbar puncture to test her cerebral spinal fluid for cancer cells and to have a central line placed (an internal catheter that she’ll have for the next couple of years for both receiving meds and getting blood drawn). I started out waiting for her in the official OR waiting room, watching the Tour de France with the mister, but when things started taking longer than expected, I started freaking out a little and moved operations down the hall to the ecumenical mediation room, where I could sit in the sun and, well, meditate. (Which to me is different from praying.)
While I was there I met a lovely woman whose teenage son was also in the OR, having a piece of his skull put back on. It had been removed to prevent swelling after he was hit by a car while crossing the street with his friends. This poor woman had been through hell. But things were looking good, and I don’t think she was half as nervous as I was, having gone through a few surgeries before. (And can I just say: watching your child fall asleep under sedation or general anesthesia is the worst. I’ve witnessed it four times now — today was the most recent — and I cry every time.)
This mom and I talked for a while, and she assured me that God would take care of my little girl. She knew. She would pray for her, but she knew she was going to be OK. God would make her strong. She told me was going to tell her church about us, too, and they’d start a prayer chain for Clio. I’m not sure what this is, but it sounded nice, and I appreciated it.
The next day she came by our room and gave us a magnet with the Madonna and child, and a little Jesus pendant. The magnet is now on the mini-fridge in our hospital room. I wore the pendant for a few hours, sort of as a good luck charm. (I am a fan of Jesus, even though I don’t consider him my savior.) But when I looked in the mirror I thought: Christ, I have a big Jesus pendant around my neck and took it off.
I’m still hanging on to it, though. As a reminder of the good thoughts and prayers being sent our way. And, hey, might as well have our bases covered, right?
Likewise, I’m hanging on to the insane and rather scary picture (above) that some random nun sent us with a note explaining that this is what she looks like when she’s sad – the way she felt when she found out that Clio was sick. Then, I’m saving it less for spiritual purposes than for when I’m feeling gloomy and need a good, maniacal laugh for myself.
So. Is it weird that I like other people’s prayers even though I’m skeptical of my own?
Second question: How jealous are you that you didn’t get a picture of a sad nun mime sent to you?
Totally jealous! And I’m a Jew. Bet there aren’t any sad rabbi mimes. If there are, I hope someone sends a picture of one to you. And that you post it.
And the whole prayer thing? It’s not weird. It’s comforting. It’s something specific that you can do when you don’t know what else would be helpful. I don’t regularly pray. I only pray if I have something specific to pray for. Like for you and your family. I hope that it still counts.
I think that was my mom you are talking to in the, ahem, meditation room. She’s a Jesus fan and has her prayer alter complete with saint statues and candles. It brings her great comfort. I hope that perhaps you can get comfort from similar things during this excruciatingly trying time.
Wait, do you mean literally it was your mom? And her son is your brother? Or do you mean your mom is similar? Because if it really was your mom, please tell her hello; it was so nice to meet her and to talk with her. And I hope your brother is doing OK!
Holy Mary and Joseph, that’s one scary nun!
Praying can be hard for those who don’t believe that they have a direct connection with a “higher being which some people call god.” We say a prayer at Julia’s bedtime that reminds us to be thankful for what we have, which I discovered in a novel with Quaker characters. And, when needed, we say a little something extra, and we have done for Clio.
I lean towards skepticism in the same way, but I always find that accepting prayers is really about accepting love and care, and it is a human connection more than a spiritual one. And i like to think Jesus would dig that.
Three children were talking about their religions. “I’m a Catholic,” said one, “and our symbol is the cross.” “I’m Jewish,” said the second, “and our symbol is the Star of David.” The third child said, “I’m a Unitarian Universalist and our symbol is a candle in a cocktail glass!”
I personally consider it one proof of God’s existence that even agnostics tend to reach out in prayer in difficult times, almost instinctively. But whether you believe or don’t or just aren’t sure, I don’t see anything wrong with getting comfort from knowing that others are praying for you, as I will continue to do.
I’m an atheist, so personally I find most prayers directed my way discomfiting. But I appreciate good thoughts, and as long as I think people’s prayers are coming from a place of sincerity and compassion then I accept them in that light. I only get annoyed when people offer prayer as a substitute for something that might prove more useful, or in some cases when it acts as a passive aggressive insult, but those instances are uncommon.
I think it makes perfect sense in a time of crisis to want comfort in any form people are willing to share it. The reality of your situation is there is nothing the average person can do to help. Most of the time there is nothing you can do, either, which is a horribly helpless state to be in. If good thoughts or prayers lend you a psychic support network that make you feel less alone and vulnerable, than it has value.
(And that scary nun picture is freaky! Looks like a still from a horror film I would avoid.)
I’m with you on the prayer thing. I’m pretty sure it works, have no idea why, and don’t know who or what we might be praying to.
So, I’m directing my thoughts to the good stuff out there in the universe, and wishing for all good things for Clio and the rest of the family, too.
(I sure am glad I didn’t go to catholic school, with nuns like that wandering around!)
I don’t think it is weird at all. I often find that when people say, “I’ll pray for you,” they really mean something more like I will hold you in my heart, think of you, offer well wishes….or something similar. I find it is more about showing their love and support for you than the actual prayer itself.
I imagine as you and your family go through this journey you will find many people, well intentioned and deeply sincere, who will offer you care from their religious tradition. Some will be helpful. Others not so much. There is nothing wrong in taking what works and leaving the rest. Theologies around illness can be very difficult…particularly for those on the receiving end of the many varied religious interventions!
I don’t know what a “textbook Unitarian Utilitarian” is; but I’m pretty sure I’m one of them because everything you described about what you believe, is exactly what I believe. Sending good vibes your way (dude).
I mean Unitarian UNIVERSALIST! Although oddly, Utilitarian works too? Unitarian Utilitarian Universalist? (Dooooooooooode).
Well, I don’t pray as such, because I am an atheist like Korinthia. Most of the time I find that people say they are praying for you because that is the one thing that they are able to do, and I am totally fine with that. I am thinking about your family, and “sending good vibes”. I have no idea if they have any power, except that if you know people are thinking about you and caring about what happens, you won’t feel that you are facing this alone, and that on its own I hope has a powerful effect.
One thing you wrote here really struck me- watching your child go under general anaesthetic is really scary. It is so unbelievably scary- I was totally unprepared for how that would make me feel when N had a minor day surgery.
And that nun is scary too 🙂
I definitely do not think it’s weird. I am an atheist but I feel gratitude when religious friends offer comfort in the form of prayer or their view of how God will make things better when I have gone through very difficult times. I guess it is that I understand they are offering love in support in the way that would comfort them and I appreciate love in support in almost any form especially when going through something hard. I think when we are scared or hurting or worried for someone else in a hard situation all of us plead for for things to turn out well. Prayer arises from that same place and is formalized by religions but I would guess it is a pretty universal urge.
The nun is terrifying/hilarious.
I grew up in a Midwestern Christian family. I was taught that God has his hand in everything and I used to always pray for God’s will. As I grew up and lived life I realized a few things and some of those beliefs changed. I am still a Christian but have a relationship with God and prayer and reading his word (Bible) is the way I communicate to God and He communicates back just like I would communicate with a human being to keep that relationship growing.
I’ve learned through my relationship with God that God’s will is ALWAYS and ONLY that his children are happy. He loves everyone and wishes only the best for them. You can imagine why one is confused then when (like the old saying) why do bad things happen to good people? Well that’s easy because this is earth, not heaven. Earth isn’t perfect and on earth bad things happen. Everyone has a different reason for why things suck sometimes but it has nothing to do with God’s will for a person. Nothing we do or God does causes these things to happen it just is the way it is and thankfully God offers his love, guidance, support, and hand to walk through those bad things (and good things) with us. (As a Christian I believe God already knows the outcome so who better to walk through it with me and help prepare me along the way for whatever the end may bring?)
This is what I pray for myself and others when I pray… That we can feel God’s presence and hand with us in our time of need or sadness and rejoice and be thankful with God in our time of joy. As everyone says it’s easy to be happy when everything is going well, but we have to remember God didn’t leave us just because things are hard right now. I believe He’s ALWAYS there whether we believe it or not and He loves and us and is hoping for the best with us. He also DIDN’T CAUSE it so we would run to Him. He ALLOWS the good and the bad to happen just the same because he loves us enough to not make us and the world His puppets and always stays with us through both the good and the bad. He leaves us and the rest of the world to make our own choices and obviously we aren’t perfect and neither is the world. Just to clarify that last sentence does not mean I believe we cause the bad things to happen either. I don’t believe it’s anyone’s fault it’s just a result of living in an imperfect world. (and if you believe the story about Adam and Eve than that explains why this is an imperfect world, but if you don’t then it’s still pretty obvious this world isn’t perfect and you may not care why)
So now that I’ve rambled on much longer than I wanted I also have to admit that scary nun picture would be great to have around when you need a smile. I have to agree with Isabelle’s last sentence though, it’s both terrifying and hilarious. Thanks for accepting the prayers even if you don’t understand or believe the same way as someone else. It’s a gift to be open and you’ll only benefit. 🙂
Take care.
PS. I also pray for healing (like in Clio’s case) but with an open understanding that I don’t know everything and it may not work out the way I want it to.
That nun is going to give me nightmares.
I believe strongly in God because I have had actual encounters or like moments when I feel I actually spoke directly to Him or saw Him or felt Him. Always in times of strife or before times of strife to warn me or comfort me. I was raised Christian but not a very good one. Not super into it. He actually had to reveal Himself to me personally to win me over. But now I know for sure He is there and He does love all of us and He does watch out for us. Makes me sound crazy to say I had a vision of Jesus once or that I heard God’s voice in my head, but I believe I did and I guess that is all that counts.
When Harrison had his two surgeries they did not let me see him actually go under….I was with him when they gave him the drug that makes them loopy or sleepy or both, but once they did the actual knocking him out part they were already taking him away from me. I honestly was laughing my butt off the first surgery because he was acting totally high from that one drug and it was so funny. Then the second time he was more just sleepy acting so not as funny. I could almost picture him as a teenager smoking pot for the first time and acting like he did that one time. He was laughing his head off and his eyes were all dreamy and he had this huge loopy smile on his face.
So glad she came through the surgery okay. God bless her surgeons and doctors for taking excellent care of her. Hang in there Jane. You are super mom and you will get through this. Love to your family.
Now this is unrelated, but kinda related, but a lot of times people say the whole “Let me know if you need anything” just to say it, but if you actually ask them for something like help, they all of a sudden are too busy or can’t do it, etc. My friend and I joke about that all the time. Because we are the type that say that and actually will do something if we can.
Not to bring the level of discussion down here, but good lord,a nun who is into Black (ie Satanic) Metal is sending you pictures?
I know that all the love and support Clio is surrounded by in this world is going to continue to help this all go well. She’s so lucky to have you as her mother. The circles of support, of well-wishers and prayers and good-vibers, are so numerous and wide because of the kind of people you and Alastair are.
I think that whether or not you believe in the power of prayer doesn’t matter. What matters is all the love, good intentions, hope and healing thoughts are coming your way and that you have an open heart to accept all of those good intentions and healing thoughts and hold onto hope and strength. While we all may not be able to do anything for you physically, we are all here supporting you emotionally. Remember that when you are having a particularly hard time.
Jane, I also am a UU and I “believe” exactly the same way you described. I do not ever say “I will pray for you” because I don’t pray. If I don’t believe in anything that can receive my prayers, it makes no sense to pray. I usually just say “I’m thinking of you” or something. However, when believers say they will pray for me, I accept that from them with thanks. I’ll take what I can get… ya know? I’m so sorry to hear about what y’all are going through, man that sucks. Please give Clio a big hug from me and tell her she’s awesome. Please also give Elsa a kiss and tell her she’s an amazing sister.
Hi Jane,
First, I read your memoir in one sitting last night – loved it, especially your honest sharing about your depression. In terms of prayer, I wonder whether you might enjoy something called Contemplative or Centering Prayer. It can be done individually, but a lot of churches (mostly Episcopalian, but it’s non-denominational really) have Centering Prayer groups and personally I find the group dynamic useful. It’s learning how to sit in contemplation with God. I thought of this because you said that you find meditation different from prayer. CP is very much like meditation, but also very different. You can google Thomas Keating to find out more. My thoughts (and prayers) are with you and your family.
I took a quiz online once (how 21st century of me) and it said I was likely 98% Unitarian Universalist. 2nd was Modern Quaker, or something like that.
Growing up with a family half Catholic and half Congregationalist (talk about ALMOST UU), but both rather devout, it became really weird to me to say “I’ll pray for you,” because I was pretty sure my idea of praying didn’t match up with what anyone else considered praying. So I would say, “I’ll keep you in my thoughts,” to people. But I worried that it didn’t seem as serious? intentional? as praying. Even though I was really putting my all into it, emotionally. Plus, like Korinthia, I’ve had some “I’ll pray for you”s in my life that I know were meant to shame, not comfort or support.
But. (again, another one) But. I pray for Clio. In the best way I know how. And I taught my daughter to pray the prayers I learned as a kid, that I found comforting. And it does give me a little frisson of…something…spiritual to hear my daughter say, “God bless everyone I love, amen.”
I mentioned the awkwardness of praying for Clio and the family in my comment on your Babble post. But lady, the prayers are still flowing! That’ll learn ya. Or something.
Thanks for the update. Love to ya (to take the awkwardness to a whole new level).
Here comes a hug, filled with all the grace I can muster from the universe. Got it? Okay. Good. Love you so, so, so much. XOXOXO
baahahahahah!! I was wondering where you found the creepy picture at the top. I’m so jealous that someone sent it to you. But it also kind of makes me want to take other creepy pictures and send them to you too. 😉
Prayers – I’m an atheist. I like being an atheist. It makes me feel like if I want to change something, I have to DO SOMETHING about it. I can’t sit on my butt and make a wish and wait for change. But with that said, it makes it really freaking hard to be in a situation where you can’t do anything. Where there just isn’t a damn thing you can do but wait and hope and try not to drive yourself crazy wondering ‘what if’.
And at worst, it makes me bitter about people who say “I’m praying for you”… because, so what? DO something. Make a difference in a real way, with your human influence. And I get annoyed when people give god the credit for what doctors and nurses are doing…
But I won’t get all ranty. 😉 I DO think good thoughts for Clio and your family. I keep you in my mind and I think of you because I’m sad and frustrated that we live in a world where people have to suffer in that way. I think of you because I want to squeeze my daughter extra close, and be thankful that I can go for a walk in the sun, when so many people can’t. I think of you because thinking of you has created a change in ME that makes me want to make things better for others.
That said, if religion is a person’s comfort, I see no harm in them having that comfort. But it does make it tricky for someone who isn’t religious to have to have religion ‘given’ to them. I’m impressed that you wrote on the subject! It’s a tricky one!
And just to be a jerk… 😉 I’m not praying for Clio. I’m living for Clio, I’m changing for Clio, I’m smiling for Clio (and I’m knitting for Clio too!)
Love and long-distance hugs to all of you!
I am also a UU and I just had to say that this made me laugh until I was crying:
“Christ, I have a big Jesus pendant around my neck “
I really relate to this post. That nun is terrifying. And Lin Snow is awesome.
Dear Jane,
On the Caring Bridge website yesterday I posted a Bible verse suggested by my mother, who is a Christian Scientist and has over 75 years of experience with prayerful healing. She picked it for its reference to having a “good report” like you did yesterday with Clio.
Also, the same word “meditate” shows up both in your blog and in the Bible passage.
Philippians 4:8
New King James Version (NKJV)
Meditate on These Things
“…whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.”
Hey Jane,
It’s your prenatal yoga teacher here 🙂 I saw your blog posted through someone on Facebook, and just read up on you and the girls. Sending you love, light, and some deep breaths (my versions of prayer!). It’s so helpful to see this ginormous crowd of awesomeness that is reading your words and loving your family.
Wow Jane. We are back in the US traveling through the upper reaches of Vermont and I have just had the chance to catch up with you. I’m stunned that Clio has leukemia and so relieved that it is the type that it is. I mentioned to you that we are UU’s as well but that doesn’t stop me from firing up my mother-in-law’s prayer circle when needed. (Consider it fired up). I love the thought of people sending positive energy in whatever form they can. Winnie and Charlotte drew some pictures for Clio and Elsa today. Since I’m sure that you have your own ream of paper with one color of crayon lines on each sheet, I know that you will just appreciate their thoughts. We will be thinking of you guys and sending you hope and love.