A couple of weeks ago I was buying a bottle of wine at a big, not-fancy liquor store—the kind with everything from $50 bottles of bordeaux to vats full of $2 flavored vodka nips. This was shortly after the walkouts for gun violence, and shortly after I made the mistake of getting into one of those fruitless Facebook debates over gun control, which included some folks convinced that Democrats and the UN want to take everyone’s guns away and install a socialist world order. (Why, why, WHY do I let myself get sucked into these things?)
Anyway, I was feeling kind of raw that day. When I went up to the counter to pay for my wine, the cashier was a tall, twenty-something white guy with a tough sort of look about him. Patriots tank-top. Tattoos on his arms, including one of an American flag. And on his forearm, some kind of abstract symbol I didn’t recognize—a triangle and a circle. I immediately thought (because I was in that kind of mood): Maybe one of these damned anti-government militia groups.
And, because I couldn’t help myself, I asked: “Hey, what’s that tattoo?”
The guy got a big grin on his face. “It’s from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.”
We then proceeded to get in a whole conversation about Harry Potter. I told him how my kids are huge fans. He told me he has an entire set of the books, in hardcover, in a trunk that’s modeled after the trunk Harry brings to Hogwarts. We talked about the Harry Potter World at Universal Studios. I told him it was awesome; he said he was hoping to go. We told each other to have a great day as I left.
Needless to say, I felt like a big ole a**hole for judging him based on his appearance, putting him into a box before I’d even talked to him. Of course, he might also have been an anti-government militia guy, or who knows what else. But the point is, people are so, so, so complicated and unpredictable. You’d think that as a writer—someone who works hard to create complex characters, and to empathize with views other than my own—I would be able to remember that.
But since the 2016 election, and the lead-up to it, I’ve been so full of anger and frustration, and so constantly aware of the deep divisions in our country, that I’ve often fallen into the pattern of assuming things about people based on the outward signs. I tense up when I drive behind American-made pickup trucks. Even when I see American flags on houses, I wonder: Trump voter?
Which is totally and completely ridiculous, I realize. We have Democrat friends with American flags on their houses. One even has a flagpole in his backyard, and had a flag-raising celebration when he installed it; prepared a written piece about it, gave out copies of the constitution, had us sing patriotic songs. He’s a hard-core Democrat. (And for what it’s worth, I have an American flag on my Twitter profile, partly because I want to reclaim it for the left, partly because I love my country, and partly to mess with people — which often leads to other people making assumptions about me.)
The other day, I saw an Equal Marriage sticker on the bumper of a car, right next to one of those “Thin Blue Line” police stickers. I’ve seen pro-Republican stickers on Priuses. Once, I saw a Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac. (Har har har).
I hate when people on the right try to sum me up based on the fact that I skew generally liberal. And I hate when I see so many of my friends on the left reduce people on the right to stereotypes. We all need to fucking stop it. Or at least stop ourselves and pause and say hang on; my brain is doing that thing human brains do — trying to take a shortcut and classify people based on unconscious biases. But I need to consciously interrupt that kind of knee-jerk thinking and putting-into-boxing. I need to remember that people are weird and self-contradictory and multi-dimensional and often a really bizarre combination of good and bad and beautiful and messed up. Otherwise, I’m forgetting a fundamental (if often very uncomfortable) truth.
Thanks for the reminder, Harry Potter-loving liquor store guy, whoever you are.
(PS — Just for fun: When I told this story to the girls, they knew the instant I described the tattoo what it was.)
We can’t help our initial reactions, but we can control what we do with them, so you are not a jerk at all. If you’d acted on your assumptions that would be one thing, but you asked the guy. THAT is what makes you decent and thoughtful. I think the biggest change since the election is many of us used to fill in the vacuum about what we didn’t know about people with things we liked, and now we realize there are probably many things we don’t, and it makes us anxious and distrustful. I don’t know if it that’s good or bad, but I wish more people gave it as much thought and attention as you do.
Thanks, Korinthia — and yes, you’re so right about how a lot of us have started filling in the blanks about people in a negative way.
Well-said, as always. And tell the girls I knew, too–we finished reading the Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows aloud about an hour ago!
A wonderful reminder Jane!!! I have caught myself so many times and then am so pleasantly surprised as you were ..and I also want to re-claim the flag and the word patriot! The only one I cannot stop myself from putting in the box of intolerance is the big ole Trump bumper sticker…it is a visceral feeling….
Great post. I make the mistake of judging people based on how the look and stereotypes and my own prejudices all the time and this is a good reminder to stop myself and think before I assume something.